Creepy Job Application

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Background: This weirdo put up the job description below. The application sent for that job follows.

  Film/TV exec needs smart & pretty personal assistant.
Me: Entertainment executive in Los Angeles -- film and television -- busy, social, crazed. Lots of meetings, parties, events, and stress. I'm 35, male.
You: Pretty, dynamic, fun personal assistant looking for a flexible job in the entertainment biz with access to events, parties and people.
Tasks: errands like drycleaning, corrspondence, reservations and such. Companion to events around town and sometimes out of town, Hostess at parties, social events and private dinner parties. Extra skills such as being bilingual, great hands for massage are a bonus! There is opportunity for travel, as well -- work trips to Vegas, New York and Chicago at least once a month.
Gig pays very well: $25/hr for errands, $50/hr for events, $150/hr for massage, $500 per day for travel days. Minimum $750 per week, no more than 15 hours of work a week.
The job requires someone who is good with errands and is reliable, but is also social and likes going to events and functions. Outgoing, fun personality necessary! Please be female, fit, attractive, smart and clean. Non-smoker preferred. Have a car with license. Los Angeles based.
If interested, please send resume and pictures (both head and body shots) to
  This is the application that was sent:
From: Roberta
Date: Tue, May 5, 2009 at 5:44 PM
Subject: Clean and >75% of limbs intact

Me: Pretty, promiscuous, egalitarian, buoyant, deeply in debt.
I have both arms fully intact and functional. My right leg (Ol' Drivey) is fit as can be, and should hopping challenges be part of your entertaining needs, I fully expect to excel. Ol' Lefty, however, was - in a classic misunderstanding - eaten by a lion while I was on safari.
I am an excellent masseuse and a riot at parties. Here is a sample joke that I often tell:
Q: What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
A: You can't peanut butter your dick into her mouth.

I am often compared to a one-legged Helen Hunt or a sighted Helen Keller with excellent hearing. I do not have face shot, so I have drawn myself in text below (sorry I don't have a picture from a better angle).
                      _ ...._                    
                 .-"`        "-.             
                /.ooO()    ,--, \            
                |/    )   (    ) |          
                |\  _/     -..-  |          
                \ \  \          /           
              .--'-\_ )--------'--            
              |                   |           

Excited to hear back from you!!!
- Roberta Denuart
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