Coffee Table


 
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Background: The following ad was posted on Craigslist. The reply to the ad follows.


 
  With those cold depressing days of winter behind us, if you can't frolic through the wildflower fields of Southern California, then what better way welcome the warm weather than sprucing up your boring apartment with a little spring decorating.
 
Hurry now because this original Samantha H. coffee table won't last long. What? You've never heard of the Samatha H. collection? Maybe that's because you've never been to a brothel or visited enough public bathroom stalls where you surely would have seen her name etched on the wall. Samantha H. is my ex-girlfriend and two weeks ago I plowed her on top of this coffee table before she squeezed her fat ass back into her size 12 jeans and went out to the Pig'N Whistle and banged my best friend (who she's now dating). Don't let the glass top fool you. It's 3/8" thick, can take a pounding and cleans up fast (personally I suggest 409's spermicidal-antibacterial all surface cleaner).
 
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From: Robert Denuart
Date: Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 3:29 PM
Subject: Samantha Haberkorn Coffee Table
To: xxxx@craigslist.org
 
Dear sir,
 
I would like to express my interest in your original Samantha Haberkorn coffee table. But I have several questions:
 
1) In general, I am intrigued about pieces of furniture that have been graced by the natural and majestic beauty of coitus with an ex. Do you have any other such pieces that I could use to create a matching set? I would prefer them all to be in the Samantha Haberkorn series, if possible. The following are items of furniture that I need that you might be able to help out with:
- Samantha Haberkorn Rug
- Samantha Haberkorn Bathroom Tiling
- Samantha Haberkorn Hyundai Elantra Leather Upholstery
- Samantha Haberkorn Shower
- Samantha Haberkorn Flat Screen TV
- Samantha Haberkorn Chaise Lounge
 
2) I have my own Michelle Reskane series that derives from a similar vein. Would you be interested in a trade? I have not cleaned it. She was hideous.
 
3a) In order to fully gauge my interest, I would like to see a photograph of Samantha. Do you have one? Do you have one of yourself that I could cut out and paste next to her so it would look like you two are romantically interested in each other in the diorama that I would arrange on the table?
3b) Alternatively, I could paste each of your photos on popsicle sticks and recreate romantic scenes.
3c) Which of the above would you prefer?
 
4) I am also interested in Gone with the Wind, the original director's cut. Do you have that?
 
5) Will you help me carry it up seven flights of stairs to my walk-up?
 
Thanks,
Robert Denuart
 
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